the only person I ever really felt comfortable being myself around that wasn’t family, lives in Michigan. We recently became really close. We WERE dating. Then my best friend died, and I basically cut her off, so she wouldn’t know what I’m doing or whats happening to me or whats going through my mind. I’m scared she won’t love me or accept me. So I’m running from her.

• I look down when I walk because I feel like the first thing people see when they see me coming is my hair. My hair is always more worth seeing than my face to me.
• I have been in a downwards spiral for a few weeks now. I’d like to say it wasn’t triggered by Chris, but I know it was. I’m not saying its his fault. But it was definitely triggered by him. Theres just something about hearing the guy you’ve spent almost two and a half years knowing you want to marry say that you’re just not the one for him, that makes everything come crashing down so fast.
• I had sex with my co-worker. He was a family friend before co-worker. I did it because I was not sober. I regret it every second of every day. I hate myself for it. I see myself as an item to be used. I see myself as worthless and pathetic. 
• When I say I hate myself, I sincerely mean it. I always talk about how “fucking awesome” I am, or how fantastic I am. In reality, I say that so many times so you don’t worry about my self esteem. I don’t want people to compliment me because they think I need it. I want people to compliment me because its how they think.
• Last night, Chris and I got into a really bad fight. He punched the windshield of his car. There is a huge crack in it that stretches from almost one side of the windshield all the way to the other. We were fighting because I lied to him about having sex with my co-worker. I lied to him because he slept with someone else and lied to me about it. I wanted him to know how it felt, how much it hurt. Although I hate myself for sleeping with my co-worker and doing that to Chris, it feels SO good for him to know the pain i’ve been suffering with for almost 3 years now every single time he finds a new toy. I hate that this happened when we decided to work things out…but I feel like he deserved this nonetheless. Although I see the windshield, and I read his texts about how he wishes he wouldn’t wake up, and I sit on the phone with him while he tells me how angry he is and how he wants to shoot himself, and it kills me to know this is all my fault, I still feel like he deserves this.
• So many parts of me want so many different things. A part of me wants to tell Chris to shut the fuck up, date me, stay faithful, and get married one day. A part of me wants to drop him out of my life and move on. A part of me wants to move out of my house because I feel like my family is tired of me.

Now heres a list of secrets:

1. I spend days secretly saving up money to get on a bus and go to another state and disappear. Then I have a good day, I feel happy with where I’m at, and blow all of my money. Hours later, I immediately regret it when I become upset again. I start the process all over again.
   
2. I am a hypocrite. I am severely suicidal. When someone repeatedly talks about wanting to attempt suicide, I become annoyed and want to tell them to just get it over with. But when I talk about wanting to kill myself…I just want someone to help me. That being said, I try so hard to help people even though I just want to ignore their texts, phone calls, and messages.
3. When I am suicidal late at night and it hits a dangerous level, I begin to write several suicide notes and dedicate them to several people until I fall asleep so I don’t actually kill myself. Then in the morning, if I feel better then I tear them up and throw them away. If I feel the same, I save them.
4. After my parents found out about my pill habits when I was younger, I let it slip in therapy that I was “touched” by a friends brother as a child. I lied. Not only did he rape me, but several of his friends drugged me and raped me. I repress this memory constantly.
5. I’m battling with drugs. Like I said, my parents knew about my pills. But they didn’t know how completely obsessed I was with cocaine. They always wondered why I was so skinny and why I ate so little. When I began to gain weight, they would joke about my “pudge”. Now that I am completely coke free, I see my body and I want to go back just to feel beautiful again.
6. When my friends talk about killing themselves, I honestly usually am apathetic about it. 
7. I feel like I have no future.
8. I feel like I’m not something worth being proud of. I haven’t felt like I deserved to live since the 7th grade when I had a poem published and everyone was proud of me.
9. I used to be the girl my sister was jealous of and I hated it. She thought I was so pretty and thin and I had a long relationship with a guy I loved. Now shes the pretty one, shes the perfect weight, and shes in a long relationship with the guy I thought I was in love with in middle school. Shes smart, makes good grades, and is perfect. Here I am, fat, alone, drop out, underpaid, ugly, and stupid. Now I’m jealous of her. But the weird thing is, I love being around her. When I’m around her, I don’t feel like I’m any of those things. I don’t feel like I’m anything anyone sees me as. I feel like I’m just Ashley to her. Shes so beautiful and fantastic, but she never looks down on me. Shes the only person I feel comfortable in my own skin around. So why am I so jealous of her?
10. My brother is bisexual. I found out when I went through his phone. He hasn’t told anyone. It breaks my heart. He knows I used to be a cutter. He knows i’m bisexual. So why can’t he feel comfortable enough with me to tell me?

(Source: rambleonpuddin, via adampoopspennies)